What Makes a Marriage Work: Research, Reality, and What’s Worked for Us

Marriage is often spoken about in extremes — either as something effortless when you’ve “found the right person,” or as something impossibly hard once real life sets in. The truth usually sits somewhere in between.

There’s no single formula for a successful marriage. But research consistently points to a few foundations that matter most. What’s striking is how closely those findings align with what we’ve lived in our own relationship.

Here are five pillars that research supports — and that have shaped our marriage so far.

1. Friendship Is the Foundation

One of the most consistent findings in marriage research is that friendship is not a bonus — it’s the base.

Dr John Gottman, co-founder of the Gottman Institute, studied thousands of couples over several decades and found that marriages built on strong friendship are far more likely to last. Couples who genuinely like each other, enjoy each other’s company, and maintain emotional closeness cope better with stress and conflict.

For us, this has been fundamental. We don’t just love each other — we are genuinely best friends.

We laugh together, play together, and confide in each other about everything: the good, the hard, the silly, and the uncomfortable. We tell each other things first. We seek each other out. We want to spend time together, not because we have to, but because there’s no one else we’d rather do life with.

That friendship creates emotional safety. It means communication feels easier, conflict feels less threatening, and time together feels grounding rather than draining.

Research source: The Gottman Institute – Sound Relationship House Theory

2. Communication Matters More Than Compatibility

Popular culture often focuses on “compatibility,” but research suggests communication is far more important.

The Harvard Study of Adult Development, one of the longest-running studies on human happiness, found that the quality of close relationships is the strongest predictor of long-term wellbeing — not wealth, status, or achievement.

Communication works best when it’s built on friendship. When your partner is also your best friend, you’re more likely to listen, soften, repair, and stay emotionally engaged rather than defensive.

Our long-distance relationship (from September 2020 to July 2022) forced us to learn this early. Communication wasn’t optional — it was essential. Morning and evening video calls, regular check-ins, honesty when things felt uncertain, and space to talk things through without rushing.

Those habits didn’t disappear when we closed the distance. They became part of how we do marriage.

 Research source: Harvard Study of Adult Development

3. Commitment Is a Daily Choice

Another common myth about marriage is that it works when the feeling is always there. Research suggests otherwise.

The American Psychological Association highlights that strong marriages are built on long-term commitment — not constant emotional highs. Commitment means choosing the relationship repeatedly, especially when life is difficult or unglamorous.

When you genuinely like and respect your partner, choosing them doesn’t feel like self-sacrifice — it feels intentional.

Long-distance taught us that commitment isn’t about proximity. It’s about consistency, honesty, and showing up even when things aren’t easy. Marriage didn’t suddenly create that commitment — it formalised what we were already practising.

 Research source: American Psychological Association – Marriage & Commitment

4. Shared Values Matter More Than Shared Interests

You don’t need to enjoy all the same things to have a strong marriage. But you do need alignment on what matters.

Research published in the Journal of Marriage and Family suggests that couples who share core values — such as honesty, respect, responsibility, and family priorities — experience greater relationship stability than those who simply share hobbies.

Shared values help couples navigate life as a team. They guide decisions when emotions fluctuate and anchor the relationship during stressful seasons.

For us, shared values and friendship work together. Values shape our direction; friendship makes the journey enjoyable.

Research source: Journal of Marriage and Family – Shared Values & Relationship Stability

5. Respecting Differences Strengthens a Marriage

No two people come into marriage identical — especially in intercultural relationships. Successful marriages aren’t built by erasing differences, but by respecting them.

Dr Sue Johnson, developer of Emotionally Focused Therapy (EFT), emphasises that emotional security comes from responsiveness, safety, and mutual respect — not sameness.

Friendship again plays a key role here. When you see your partner as a friend, differences feel less like threats and more like things to understand and navigate together.

We don’t try to change one another. We respect each other’s backgrounds, beliefs, and perspectives, and that respect allows both of us to feel seen and valued.

Research source: Dr Sue Johnson – Emotionally Focused Therapy (EFT)

Final Thoughts

A successful marriage isn’t loud or perfect.

It’s built quietly — in friendship, communication, commitment, shared values, and respect — over time.

Research supports what we’ve lived: when your partner is also your best friend, the relationship feels safer, stronger, and more resilient. You don’t just survive life together — you enjoy it.

We’re still learning. But choosing each other daily, laughing often, and walking through life as best friends has made all the difference so far.