The Expectations of Being in an Intercultural Relationship

One of the things nobody prepared me for when I married outside of my culture wasn’t the food, the language, or even the cultural differences.

It was the expectations.

Not necessarily the expectations we had of each other, but the expectations other people seemed to have of us.

Over the years, I’ve noticed something interesting whenever conversations about intercultural relationships come up online.

People will often say things like:

“You need to learn his culture.”
“You should respect his traditions.”
“You need to adapt.”

And whilst I completely agree that learning about and respecting your partner’s culture is important, I often find myself asking a simple question:

Why is that expectation usually aimed at one person, primarily the woman?

Why does it often feel as though one culture is expected to take priority over the other?

As the British wife in a British-Nigerian marriage, I’ve often noticed an assumption that because Dammy is Nigerian, I should automatically embrace every aspect of Nigerian culture. If there is a difference between our cultures, there can sometimes be an expectation that I should simply accept it because it is “his culture.”

Intercultural relationships are not about one person adapting to the other. They are about both people learning from each other.

When Dammy and I got married, I didn’t stop being British. I didn’t stop having my own traditions, values, experiences and perspectives.

In exactly the same way, he didn’t stop being Nigerian.

Neither of us gave up who we were. Instead, we created something new together; a relationship where both cultures have a place.

One of the biggest misconceptions about intercultural relationships is that one culture must somehow “win.”

In reality, healthy relationships are rarely built on one person surrendering their identity. They’re built on mutual respect. There are aspects of Nigerian culture that I genuinely love and have embraced. There are traditions, values and ways of looking at life that have broadened my perspective and made me a better person.

There are also aspects of British culture that Dammy has embraced too.
That’s what happens when two people from different backgrounds choose to build a life together.

But there is something else I’ve learned along the way.

Respect and agreement are not the same thing. This is where I think many people get confused.
You can respect a culture without agreeing with every aspect of it.
You can understand a tradition without wanting it for your own family.
You can appreciate another perspective whilst still holding onto your own beliefs and values.

Respect does not require you to lose yourself.

In fact, I would argue that the healthiest intercultural relationships are the ones where both people feel secure enough in their own identities to learn from each other without feeling threatened by their differences.

The goal shouldn’t be for one person to become more like the other.
The goal should be understanding.

For me, one of the most beautiful things about being in an intercultural marriage has been the opportunity to challenge assumptions I didn’t even realise I had.

Not just about Nigeria. About myself.

It’s made me question things I once assumed were normal simply because that’s how I’d always known them.
It’s made me see the world through a wider lens.

But that growth has gone both ways.

Because intercultural relationships shouldn’t be about one person teaching and the other person learning.
They should be about two people teaching each other. Two people bringing different experiences, different perspectives and different traditions to the table and choosing to listen with curiosity instead of judgement.

At the heart of it, I don’t believe intercultural relationships are about choosing one culture over another. I believe they’re about creating space for both.

Not asking which culture wins. But asking how we can honour each other whilst staying true to ourselves.